A Sith's worst nightmare
by Lilya
Summary: Anakin Skywalker’s afterlife in the Force won’t be quite so peaceful, though he's in good company. A series of vignettes, following my other story Song My Mother Taught Me.
1. Chapter 1

Title: A Sith's worst nightmare

Author: Lilya

Genre: Humor (hopefully)

Summary: Anakin Skywalker's afterlife in the Force won't be quite so peaceful. A series of vignettes, following my other story Song My Mother Taught Me

Main characters: Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, OC

Rating: G

Disclaimer: Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, Yoda, Leia Organa, Luke and Anakin Skywalker belong to George Lucas. Leena and her family are mine.

Author's note: 1) English is not my native tongue. If you find any mistake – which I'm sure you will – please correct me.

**A SITH'S WORST NIGHTMARE  
**

Part I.

_4 Years After the Battle of Yavin_

Passing into the Force had been, in a way, like coming back home after a long, long absence.

Anakin Skywalker watched his son flee the Death Star with pride and the celebrations start with a little guilt.

He watched – more dispassionately than he had thought possible – his own body go up in flames and somehow, flanked by his masters, managed to catch his son's gaze through the Force and smile wordlessly at him.

"Well then….It's over." he said as the connection faded.

"Apparently…" Yoda remarked, shrugging.

A polite little cough was heard behind them. Turning, the younger Jedi saw two other Force-Ghosts standing there. One he could recognize from his childhood: Master Qui-Gon Jinn, who looked younger then the last time he had seen him.

The other, was a little brown-haired, plain-faced woman he was sure he had never seen before, even if there was something familiar about her. She lacked the clear Jedi aura, yet she had found a way to linger somehow. How weird…

"You surely remember our common Master," Obi-Wan said as the two approached.

"I do." Anakin smiled. "Well met, Master Jinn."

"Well met, Anakin. I'm very glad to see you." He replied with a smile.

"Looks like you had company all these years." He winked. The other masters just shifted uncomfortably.

Obi-Wan coughed lightly, then spoke again, subtly steering him toward the woman. "Anakin, meet my mother, Leena. Mom, this is Anakin."

Without missing a beat, Anakin switched into "boyish charm mode" and grinned. "Nice to meet you, madam."

The woman did not smile. Quite the contrary, she looked upset, but also pleased.

In a cat-that-got-the-canary kind of way.

It made Anakin swallow hard. He was feeling vaguely unsettled and couldn't pinpoint the exact reason.

Until, that is, the part of his brain that actually worked got fed up with him, stood up and smacked him as hard as it could, replaying the keywords of the whole conversation.

_Meet my mother, Leena. _

_Meet my mother_

_Meet my…mother _

_Obi-Wan's mother_

'Oh, shit! I'm dead!'

His face lost all color as Anakin finally realized that _**now**_ he was really in trouble. No sticky situation, no life-and-death circumstance he had found himself in during his whole life was going to compare.

Part of his mind noted that at least, since he was dead, there wasn't much she could do. The worse had already come to pass.

The other part pointed out that there were a lot of things worse than death it could think of – and he should know them quite well since he had practiced all of them. And time and extent of injury were not going to be an issue.

While he stared at her, the word "atonement" floated quite naturally to the surface of his mind. He had heard Obi-Wan use it, and also Palpatine. Now he really wished he had looked it up in a dictionary.

Leena grinned – an evil grin that would have made the galaxy tremble in fear better than any Sith legend ever managed.

Anakin tried to take a step back, but it was too late.

Eyes ablaze, hands on her hips, Leena took a deep breath. "Ok, you disgrace, now for what's probably the first time in your worthless life you _**will**_ shut up and you will _**listen**_ carefully"

She then proceeded to give Anakin Skywalker the Dressing Down of the Century.

Obi-Wan carefully examined his sabacc cards, then glanced at Yoda, who sat opposite of him.

Right before his former Padawan broke in cold sweat, Qui-Gon Jinn appeared, causing the players to look up.

He shook his head. "Mrs. Leena still isn't through with him."

"Poor Anakin…" Obi-Wan's eyes widened slightly. "Not that he doesn't deserve it or something, but still… Who would have thought that my mom could be so scary?" He asked the Force and the Universe at large for the nth time. Again, both entities wisely decided to remain silent.

"Got it all wrong, we did." Yoda said ruefully. "Enlisted both Force-sensitives and their mothers, we should have."

The other two Masters considered this carefully.

Somehow they couldn't shake out of their heads the vision of several women perched atop a barricade, shouting down things like, "I know you're out there, our Ron! This is your Nan! You climb up one more time and you'll feel the back of my hand! Our Rita sends her love and wants you to hurry home. Grandpa is feeling a lot better with the new ointment! Now stop being a silly boy!"**1**

Besides, imagine having to go to your mother and telling her you have turned.

If they were half as good at "tanning hides" as Obi-Wan's mother was…

"IF I HEAR 'THE DARK SIDE MADE ME DO IT' JUST _**ONE MORE TIME**_…" Leena bellowed somewhere behind them.

A terrified whimper followed.

The three Jedi were impressed: even the Dark Lord usually had to voice the threat to make it work.

"Do you think we should save him?" Qui-Gon said, stroking his beard.

Obi-Wan and Yoda exchanged glances, then looked pointedly at him.

"Naah."

* * *

**1:** Terry Pratchett, Night Watch. Page 356

I had this drabble - and a couple of others - sitting in my hard-disc for a while: while one of the others won't be quite as funny, I decided to start uploading this one since I had a bad day.

As I said in the summary, this is a sort of sequel for one of my Star Wars stories - Song My Mother Taught Me. More of a "what happened afterwards", really, since it's a different genre.

For those who have already read it, I hope you'll like this new installments

For thos who haven't read it and don't particularly wish to, here's a summary: Leena had to give up her force-sensitive secondborn, a child she had called Ben, to the Jedi Temple, but she never stopped thinking about him and loving him from afar. They never met during their lives, although a chance meeting with Master Jinn revealed her he was alive and happy. Order 66 hit her very hard and she died a few years later, but she managed not to fade in the force through sheer will and determination to find out what had happened to her child.  
As you saw in this chapter, she wasn't impressed.

Humor is not one of my usual genres, so I'll be thankful for any suggestion.

Leave a review and let me know whether you liked it or hated it.

Thank you


	2. Chapter 2

Part II - (edited for grammar & typos)

_5 Years after the battle of Yavin _

Leia Organa glanced at her twin brother, who was returning from an intense meditation.

"Met anyone we know?" she quipped.

Luke's answer was only a mumble.

The princess' eyes narrowed as she studied him closely: he looked dazed, not-properly-back-on-planet. Her eyes narrowed further. "Did you meet _**him**_?'"

Luke blinked, wondering at her ability to load a single world with more meaning than an entire speech. "No, I didn't..."

"But you wanted to." Leia said. It was a statement, not a question.

Luke felt his ears heath up. "Yes, I did." He said almost challengingly. "But I...it was impossible."

It was his sister's turn to blink. "Why?"

"Weeell…" Luke started, absentmindedly playing with the hem of his tunic. "According to what Ben told me…his mother sent him to sit on the naughty stool." He rushed out.

One more blink. "You mean, our grandmother made him…"

"No, not her," he interrupted. "It's Ben's mother that…sent him there. And he's not allowed to get up until she says so."

Leia stared at her twin, gaping.

Then, a gurgling sound escaped from her mouth and escalated into unstoppable laughter. It filled the room from floor to ceiling, echoing loud and clear, going on and on until Leia ran out of breath.

The princess leaned back against her chair, gasping for air despite the odd chuckle that still shook her body. Her sides ached as if she had run for miles and tears of mirth leaked from her eyes.

"Oh, you just wait until Han hears that…" she grinned.

_Some time l__ater_

"…and that is all I can say." Obi-Wan Kenobi concluded.

Luke Skywalker nodded slowly. "Thank you, Master." By his side, his sister nodded her thanks.

Old Ben smiled at the two siblings. He opened his mouth to say something, but another voice came from within the Force.

"Ben? Are you done yet?"

Obi-Wan turned to look at someone out of the twins' sight. "Yes, mom, I'm done. I was just saying goodbye." He replied in the half-affectionate, half-exasperated tone universally associated with mothers.

"Oh, good. Don't close the connection yet, there's someone here for the children."

The children in question exchanged a puzzled glance and turned back to the Force.

Next thing they knew, they found themselves staring and gaping as tall, thin, blonde-haired man dressed in traditional Jedi robes was dragged in by a much-shorter, slightly-heavier and utterly normal-looking woman.

Said woman also appeared to have a good grip on the young man's ear and was currently using it as a handle to drag him forward.

Luke repeatedly opened and closed his mouth.

Leia blinked.

The woman stopped, released the boy and glared at him. "Now, what do you have to say?"

He glared back, but covertly, as if afraid to get caught. "I'm Anakin. Your father." He muttered.

"Don't mumble. Now spit it out already."

He winced. "I wanted you to know that I know what an insensitive, stupid, idiotic…" the not-exactly-endearing adjectives went on. And on. And on. He declaimed the long list like one who learned it by heart from having it repeated to him.

On daily basis.

More than once a day.

"…utterly moronic jerk I've been to you. I know nothing I can say or do can make it up to you, but I'm….I'm…" He seemed to have problems with the following word – in fact, he turned to the short woman and hissed. "Do I have to say it? I mean it's clear that I'm…."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, come on! You know I have a problem with the s-word…"

She raised the other eyebrow.

"Ok, ok, I got it!" He turned back to them and awkwardly cleared his throat "Er….What I'm trying to say is that I am s…sorry. Really."

"And…?" the woman prompted, both eyebrows still raised.

"…And I wanted you to know I'm proud of you. For bringing me down and everything."

"Well done." Leena nodded approvingly. "See? It wasn't so difficult after all."

* * *

I'm not very satisfied with this chapter, but that's the best I could do. I decided to post it anyway to celebrate an exam (and cheer myself if the one I have tomorrow doesn't go well). 

The other reason is that I love torturing Anakin.

Any suggestion for improvement is welcome: I might get some ideas to revise it.


	3. Chapter 3

Part III

_1__0 Years After the Battle of Yavin_

Leia Organa-Solo walked alone through the garden, lost in thought. The night air was not cold, yet a shiver would shake her body from time to time.

High above, the stars shone gently, soothingly, but even their light could not bring her comfort. Nothing could.

To think she should have been relieved…The Emperor was finally dead. He would not try to harm her children anymore, she knew it – but fear still haunted her. It was almost a physical presence – always by her side, laughing madly, mocking her as it gripped her soul with its icy fingers.

Now he was one with the Force, who knew what he'd try from there. This time it had worked, but what about the next? And the one after that? He would never stop trying, would her family ever be safe from his shadow?

How could you kill somebody when he is already dead?

Another light – bright as a star, warm and comforting like a fire in winter – shone behind her.

The princess immediately spun around, ready to fight – only, she was confronted by the sight of a short, brown-haired woman sitting on a bench and humming as she knitted.

Leia blinked. She had seen that particular force-ghost before… "Mrs. Kenobi?" she stammered.

"Quite right, my dear." The woman smiled. "Why don't you sit down? I thought you could use a little woman-to-woman chat."

Feeling quite shocked, Leia complied. "It's just that…well…Darth Sidious did try to come back from the Force before. His cloning facility is destroyed, but…my children…"

"Oh, poor, poor dear.." Leena patted her hand – or at least tried to, as her hand passed right through the princess'. "At least he ain't got hooks on the real world now."

"I know." Leia sighed. "But I can't stop worrying. I'm so silly."

"Silly? Naah, you're just a mother." Mrs. Leena smiled kindly.

"It feels so frustrating…" she sighed.

"Don't worry, dear. We'll sort it out."

"We as in you and Ben?"

"Not exactly. I'll make sure you don't have to worry about that nasty piece of work again." Leena smiled.

Leia Organa had seen a lot of things, as politician, spy and rebel leader – but that small smile sent chills of fear down her back.

"After all, even Dark Lords have mothers."

_Somewhere in the Dark Side of the Force _

If somebody ever compiled a list of deceased people who were never dead enough, Emperor Palpatine a.k.a. Darth Sidious would certainly be in first place.

No sooner had the living defeated him that he was,_**again**_, plotting for a way to come back. Compared to him, Count Dracula was a mediocre amateur.

The Force around him trembled as water disturbed by a stone – as darkness pierced by a ray of light.

He stopped pacing, a cruel smile curved his lips. "So…You are foolish enough to face me in my own element."

Slowly, he turned around: three figures stood there, wrapped in brown cloaks from head to toe.

The shorter one reached out and pushed the hood back, revealing brown hair and blue eyes – and an unmistakably feminine face.

The Emperor blinked. "Ah! So you come to join me?"

"No. We're here to stop you permanently."

He blinked again, then laughed loudly. "Jedi! What a joke! Hiding behind their mother's skirt now, are they?"

Leena smiled. "Soon you won't find it so amusing."

"Soon they'll regret sending you for I'll have wiped your spirit out of every existential plane! And after I'm done, I'll go back to the Living Plane. The whole universe will be mine! No Jedi, alive or dead, can stop me!" He burst in another fit of mad laughter.

"That's enough, Merdyn!" a voice said.

Palpatine choked on his own laughter upon hearing his own birth-name, which hadn't been uttered in decades. "Who dares to address me so? I am Darth Sidious! _**WHO**_ dares?"  
His Highness' face turned a bright shade of purple, making him resemble a dry plum. No one could tell if it was the brief choking or the embarrassment at his own terrible name.

"I'll address you in whichever way I like!" The second figure dropped the cloak and stood proud and tall. "I'll give you Darth Sidious! Murderer!"

The Emperor gaped. "M-m-mother?"

"Yes, mother!" Lady Kavita Anora Kyrian shouted, furious. "How could you! My own son!" Palpatine stepped back in shock in front of that woman-sized volcanic eruption.

"How could you! You…you scoundrel! Disgrace! To think you looked so distraught, so _**worried**_ for me for months afterwards! To think I even helped with your campaigns! And _**you**_ were behind_** everything**_!"

His mother had always been a calm, fragile creature, with a Jedi-like serenity about her. The real, undisputed head of the House had been his grandmother Meera Idona – that is, until the terrible fire that had destroyed their country manor, where she perished alongside his foolish uncles and vapid cousins.

What a great start to both careers – Sith Lord and politician.

Come of think of it, Lady Anora certainly didn't lack good reasons to be angry.

Surely there would be some way to placate her – she couldn't stay angry long. Right?

Then, the Emperor glanced behind his mother's shoulders – and realized that there would be no way out, not this time.

His aforementioned grandmother was standing _**right there**_, carefully folding the brown cloak, and did not look happy at all.

Unlike her peaceful daughter, Lady Idona had always been renown for her passionate spirit - but in the eyes that looked at him now resided only contempt and fury so Hoth-like cold fury.

"I thank you for calling us, lady Leena." She said solemnly, handing her Master Jinn's cloak. "You can go back to your family. Kavita and I will take care of him."

"Thank you, my lady." The shorter woman bowed her head. "We couldn't have hoped for better guards."

Meera turned to face her grandson. "Why so surprised, Merdyn? Didn't you know that what goes around, comes around?"

Palpatine swallowed hard. Eternity suddenly didn't look so good. "Oh, mother…"

Kavita pinned him with look as sharp as a dagger. "Right – mother."

Mrs. Leena picked up Anakin's cloak, bowed her head her two colleagues and walked back toward the Light Side, humming and smiling to herself along the way.

On the living plane, all the Dark Side users suddenly had a very bad feeling.

* * *

Weeell...I hope you don't mind me bending the Rules of the LucasVerse a li-ok, a lot for this chapter. I had fun writing it and I hope you'll like it as much as the other two.

Pronunciation guide:

Leena: LYE-nah (though at the beginning I pronounced it LE-nah. The second way grew on me while I wrote)

Kavita: kah-VEE-tah (I don't think it's the right pronunciation, but my sources couldn't agree on one)

Meera: MEE-rah

As for the Emperor's real name - I couldn't find it anywhere and created a new one assuming "Palpatine" to be his name of office, like Amidala to Padmé.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: We have finally come to the last chapter - and I have a favor to ask you, my dear readers.

Instead of reading this online, copy the chapter on a word document. Scroll down to the first black line - see the text between inverted commas? Highlight everything and change the font to Old English Text (at least, that's the one I used, but if there's another old-elaborate-and-official-looking one you like, go ahead.)

Repeat the change with the text between inverted commas in the last paragraph - again, I used My Old Remington font, but any other slightly-damaged-looking one will do. I couldn't find any handwriting-like font I liked, but if you have a favorite, go ahead and use that one.

Why am I asking you all this? Because I spent about one hour experimenting with fonts and it looked very nice, even if I say so myself. Unfortunately, this doesn't show up on - all I could do was put them in bold or italic, which is really not the same.

I'll stop bothering you now lest this note becomes longer than the chapter itself.

**Part IV**

_About 40 Years After the Battle of Yavin _

When Jacen Solo began his own descent down the path of darkness, he thought he was alone.

Poor chap had no idea of how wrong he was.

About the same time, a faint disturbance emerged in the Force

If one listened very, very carefully, one would distinguish from the general harmony the sound of footsteps, like somebody pacing back and forth, and a loud, angry voice.

"I can't believe it. I _**can't**_ believe it!"

Despite the claim, the tone of voice clearly stated that the speaker could believe it all right, but that didn't mean he was anywhere near accepting it.

Leena glanced at the founder of the Skywalker clan and raised her eyebrows, but didn't say anything.

"He even planned to kill his parents! His parents, you heard? I mean, I can see him wanting to kill that insufferable Han Solo – I mean, who wouldn't? But his mama? His own mama?!"

Leena snorted. "Ah. Now he begins to see how it is." She shook her head. "My word, I never thought I'd see the day."

Obi-Wan placed a hand on her shoulder and was rewarded with a warm smile. "You will be lingering some more then, mom?"

"Seems likely. What's with Skywalker boys anyway? One needs to watch them like a hawk!" Leena sighed. "And here I was hoping I could finally have a peaceful afterlife…"

Obi-Wan wrapped one arm around her shoulders. "You can take a break every once in a while, mommy. You wouldn't neglect Master Jinn, Master Yoda and me, would you?" He winked, making her giggle.

"You're my favorite company, you know. I'm so glad I could meet you all." She smiled, and her eyes sparkled. "But really, if this keeps up, I'll have to rename myself as Skywalkers' Bane."

He chuckled. "Well, it would be fitting, wouldn't it?"

Anakin plopped down beside them. "_**SO**_ right. Besides, Jacen should really be careful." He glared at the universe at large. "This time there's going to be _**two**_ of us!"

* * *

_200 Years after the Battle of Yavin _

Translation from "The Warning" - the notorious text which contains a message from the founder of the Skywalker family, passed to his descendants by the way of the Force in 50 ABY.

"**…and verily I say unto thee, beware of the Dark side, for it promises gain, but does not bestow it. Those who allow themselves to be swayed shall know no peace, not as they walk under the stars and surely not after their passing.**

**Hark!**

**If thou do not recoil from the Dark in time, the Skywalkers' Bane shall wait for thee at the end of thy time and shall bring justice and atonement unto thee.**

**Great is the power of the Bane, greater than any Jedi or Sith, and none can hope to escape it.**

**Go now, and ask no more.** "

* * *

Original message:

"_Listen there, you scoundrels, the Dark Side doesn't pay – ever, so stay well away from it unless you want to lose everything. And I mean "everything," so consider yourselves included._

_You'd better watch your steps, because if you end up there, well, don't count on a peaceful afterlife. You'll find yourself face to face with Mrs. Leena, a.k.a. Obi-Wan Kenobi's mom, a.k.a. the Skywalkers' Bane._

_You think you're a big, bad, mean Sith? She's worse. Much, much worse._

_The moment you cross over, she's going to come down on you like a ton of solid permacrete and, trust me, it will be painful._

_Also because I'll be lending her a hand._

_Any questions?_"

* * *

Return of the Author's note: as I mentioned in the opening note, this is the last chapter.

I'd like to thank all of you, whether you are readers, reviewers, fav-ers or all 3: you can't imagine how much your support meant to me. Special thanks go, of course, to those who followed Leena from "Song my mother taught me".

You are the best, all of you.


End file.
